My insane journey to making it in Hollywood, and all those thoughts that come into play

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#NaNoWinner2015

I MOTHERFUCKING DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The 100 days of creativity did get swept to the side a little, nanowrimo did consume my life, a little too much. I guess back on the horse for Day three tomorrow..Or do I start over again, or is it day 29 dude to writing constantly… I DON’T KNOW! I am now going to celebrate since this was so stressful while being behind for days then catching up, then winning.

RWAR!!!!!!!!!!

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Female Troubles

Frankly, My Dear Starlet...

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An incredibly condescending meme comparing Michelle Obama and Jackie O has been going around, lamenting the days of the demure, beautiful first lady and presenting Michelle as somehow being crass. Worse, I saw it passed around by women. You have got to be kidding me.

It nearly made me burst into tears that women can be so pointlessly cruel to one another. I was offended to the core of my being by the overt racism, the blatant disrespect and unfair set up (Classic Jackie posed in pearls next to Michelle in a tank top cheering at a sporting event…I mean, come on!), but I also immediately laughed out loud at the misguided absurdity of this meme that also entirely miscalculates what it means to be a woman.

A woman is not something quiet and pretty that sits in the corner smiling…nope, you’re thinking of a doll. A woman is a…

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Day 2 of #100 days of creativity

Character sketch for this audition!!! Succubus power activated.

Character sketch for this audition!!! Succubus power activated.

Day 1 of # 100 days of creativity

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Look a thingy in progress. Goal to get 6,000 words today.

Project thingies

I have decided to do two major challenges back to back and starting at the same time so my brain knows what the fuck is going on. One is NaNoWriMo which is writing a of novel in a month, so 50,000 words. I have a tiny premise, but not a solid “hey look at this outline I made it took me a month or so to make”. If you feel like doing that the site is http://nanowrimo.org/.

The second is more vague in structure called the #100 days of creativity. This is basically doing something creative for 100 days, posting it online, and tagging it for the world to see. https://thegreatdiscontent.com/100days for more info.  You can start on whatever day just label it as Day One and do that thing for 100 days.

Both of these I will start these shooting for Monday, but It may be Tuesday. But the things will happen.

Another challenge you can do if you feel like doing Yoga is 30 Days of Yoga with Adrienne. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXU591OYOHA. This is amazing for actors to learn how to control their bodies and also be present in your body while becoming a noodle. You don’t have to be an expert at Yoga to do this. My heels don’t touch the floor in half of these moves, but it’s ok they will one day. I have already completed this challenge which makes me sad, but more a coordinated noodle.

 

 

GO FUCKING PLAY!!!!

Dork fact of self: As tiny human I pretended that I was Sailor Xena of Saturn. Blending two awesome things that I love into a thing. Which I should revive very soon.

When learning the craft of Acting, or well any craft, it is insane easy to overthink, stress out, have some sort of melt down about not progressing as fast as you would like, being a perfectionist, etc etc etc. What is easy to forget, and so simple that it’s over thought, but it’s really simple…. Just play. Yes, that thing you did when you were a tiny to medium human on the playground trying to save your mermaid friends from Two-Face while you stormed into danger with a chakram and sword (or whatever scene you played). No rules, No grades, No striving to be perfect.. Being in the moment while trying to save your friends from an invisible entity that you all acted out in your brain while interacting with each other. You know… Fun… Play… things that are very easily overlooked in the audition/ rehearsal/ class room. And for some reason when you loose your tiny to medium human brain, life becomes more complex and thus a battle between play and adulting comes battling in a suckish battle with some form of loser, or it’s still going and ends with one or the other on top (hopefully with imagination and play winning).

When you are stuck, play. Get friends together and grab toys, or RPG like your eight. If you are worried about playing with Barbies and action figures, think of Johnny Depp. He plays with Barbies. According to Johnny Depp, Barbies work well with trying to figure out character voices.

I figured this out while messing with humans and poking fun at them as an unseelie fae. Yes it took me years to figure out that I wasn’t playing, that I was striving for perfection (still working not doing that), and not listening, not making choices, focused on doing techniques correctly, not playing. Yes, learn techniques figure which ones work and don’t then say fuck you, and fucking play. You have what you learned already in your head. JUST PLAY!!!

Do what works for you, but go and fucking play. Be a dork, mess up, learn, and do it again. Be Salior Xena. Have fun. Be a kid, we all know you actually are. 🙂

Dear Fear,

Frankly, My Dear Starlet...

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FADE IN.

INT. BRAIN – DUSK.   Cue: Long, deep sigh followed by shiver of terror.

EXT.  RIVER OF TRANSITION – NIGHT.

It’s the middle of the night.  You are alone in the middle of a swirling black river.  The current is strong.  The waves are lapping. Your mind is racing.  You’re fighting to keep your head above water.  You can’t touch the bottom or see what is below.  You are blindly trying to make it across to the other side.  Trying to move far enough ahead that your toes finally touch solid ground and you can start trusting that you are again on the upward incline, even if just an inch at a time.  That is the year it has been.  A year of surprising challenges, unanticipated changes, devastating heartbreak on a number of levels, confusion, unexpected losses… a multitude of strifes.   A year of transitions.  We’ve all…

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Because it’s Mother Fucking Star Lord

 The Genius Smart Assness I hope to achieve in life.

How to embarrass Faire goers while they wear a Guardians of the Galaxy shirt… Do this.

Their response.

THE WALL And Taking the Fucking Flower.

So, I have realized that I am stuck trying to push against this mental wall that is at least 1,000 miles tall and 50 blocks thick. I assume this is common. I’ve attacked it, pushed it, gently spoke to it, commanded it, flung my tears at it, leaned against it… basically every fucking action to get over/ through this fucking wall. It’s driving me insane to the point where I don’t want to do anything and do nothing but hang out on the book of face, mope, tumblr the fandom stuff, read, and marathon on Netflix. The funny thing is, I don’t even know what the mental wall is, or what’s beyond it. It’s just there. Just being stuck for no fucking reason.

I’ve been doing The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, that has been slowly helping over the time I’ve been doing it. I suffer from a thing called perfectionism which causes anxiety when attempting to act, or even read something out loud. Because it has to be perfect. It has to be due to the high demand of the industry, and wanting to make money off of acting, getting an agent, getting the auditions you want, etc etc. So, I am relearning everything, and being very gentle with myself. The Wall is still there, but it seems to lessen, very slowly. And the self confidence in my ability to do the acting thing is growing.

Amanda Palmer is a fucking genius, The Art of Asking is a must read/ listen to thingy. I’ve asked the wall to go away, that seems to work. It feels like a more manageable thing than it was months ago. Asking for help for anything is really hard for me. There is always the big NO, that freaks me out, so there for I don’t ask. I submitted myself for an agent in Feb/ March. That freaked me out. At some point in April, I decided to ask The Morrigan for advice on this Wall. I normally don’t ask my deity for advice, I was just really fucking stuck. Which led to an agent contacting me, and then signing me. YAY. The Wall lessened a bit more.

Incite while writing: The Wall could be my fear of not acting, of not being good enough to make a living off of it. Meaning the critics  of my exs’, my evil voice 3 teacher from Columbia College, my parents, the severe critical voices in my head that made my break down every time I made a mistake will be right. I will be doomed with a job I hate leading to a ‘normal’ life of a picket fence and living a property owner with a crying monster of hell. NOOOOO….

Summary of quote but not in the exact words because well I would have to re-listen to the whole audio-book again, and it’s not on the internet X_x. Yes, this is from the Art of Asking. So summary of the thing: “an artist works on crafting their art, and being on display. A performer admits they have no clue what the fuck they are doing, and mess up, but use that mess up and create something out of it.” It’s something like that, or I could be fusing Amanda Palmer’s words with my Sun and Star’s words.  Which doesn’t surprise me.

Accept the fact you don’t know what the fuck you are doing, and improv with a fuck it attitude. A lot of famous people, and people in general don’t know what the fuck they are doing. They have confidence in not knowing what the fuck they are doing. which is possibly why improv is so fucking important as an actor, artist, person… human…

I clearly don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. It shows. I don’t care.  “Taking the Fucking Flower”- Amanda Palmer

Actorally stuck

I am artistically stuck. Right now I am going through the book The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. Hopefully this will work. I didn’t know how uncertain, freaked out, and judgmental about myself, and my acting I was. I’m willing to get better, and trying new things. Hoping this book will work, and help with motivation. Random note: Writing 3 pages a day is harder than it sounds.

At the same time, I am freaking out about my character at Sherwood Forest. I am trying to find a voice for my fae without killing my vocal cords. Also, I will be applying my own war paint as well… I think I should have taken a make-up class at Columbia. In the meantime, I’m working on my new free website. Yes, I broke up with virb.com since I am too broke to pay a monthly little fee. Making a website takes a lot of work, holyshit I forgot, or I am just utterly stuck and it’s taking FOREVER! There are alot of things I should be doing and I am crushing under the weight of it all. Can I take a raincheck on life? Is that possible? Is it me or is my grammar getting horrid for some reason? That made sense. If this post makes sense at all. Why is grammar spelled with an ‘a’ at the end instead of an ‘e’?

I have also decided to donate plasma for money. Apparently I don’t fit into their little box. “You must have a current address on mail that is typed, and not handwritten, p.o boxes (that are more secure) don’t work”. Didn’t know it was so hard to donate. So if/ when you fill out the questionnaire, Lie. Being truthful will lead them to fax your doctor to see if you can donate if you were admitted to the ward. It’s rather stupid, still being punished for seeking help. I’m in the clear in two more years. This system is fucked up. Why is it so hard?  I am getting off topic, but I just want money to have for Xena Con, and not ask my Khal for money… That is all I want. I think being a pot dealer would be easier. This is the standard America has set. X_X.

Being stuck/ block… really sucks… Everyone is out to get you… even yourself.

Have a random pic to make your day more wonderful than mine is right now… (Yes that was slightly emo; don’t judge)

Everyone needs a 007 ninja cat riding a unicorn dragon.