So, I have realized that I am stuck trying to push against this mental wall that is at least 1,000 miles tall and 50 blocks thick. I assume this is common. I’ve attacked it, pushed it, gently spoke to it, commanded it, flung my tears at it, leaned against it… basically every fucking action to get over/ through this fucking wall. It’s driving me insane to the point where I don’t want to do anything and do nothing but hang out on the book of face, mope, tumblr the fandom stuff, read, and marathon on Netflix. The funny thing is, I don’t even know what the mental wall is, or what’s beyond it. It’s just there. Just being stuck for no fucking reason.
I’ve been doing The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, that has been slowly helping over the time I’ve been doing it. I suffer from a thing called perfectionism which causes anxiety when attempting to act, or even read something out loud. Because it has to be perfect. It has to be due to the high demand of the industry, and wanting to make money off of acting, getting an agent, getting the auditions you want, etc etc. So, I am relearning everything, and being very gentle with myself. The Wall is still there, but it seems to lessen, very slowly. And the self confidence in my ability to do the acting thing is growing.
Amanda Palmer is a fucking genius, The Art of Asking is a must read/ listen to thingy. I’ve asked the wall to go away, that seems to work. It feels like a more manageable thing than it was months ago. Asking for help for anything is really hard for me. There is always the big NO, that freaks me out, so there for I don’t ask. I submitted myself for an agent in Feb/ March. That freaked me out. At some point in April, I decided to ask The Morrigan for advice on this Wall. I normally don’t ask my deity for advice, I was just really fucking stuck. Which led to an agent contacting me, and then signing me. YAY. The Wall lessened a bit more.
Incite while writing: The Wall could be my fear of not acting, of not being good enough to make a living off of it. Meaning the critics of my exs’, my evil voice 3 teacher from Columbia College, my parents, the severe critical voices in my head that made my break down every time I made a mistake will be right. I will be doomed with a job I hate leading to a ‘normal’ life of a picket fence and living a property owner with a crying monster of hell. NOOOOO….
Summary of quote but not in the exact words because well I would have to re-listen to the whole audio-book again, and it’s not on the internet X_x. Yes, this is from the Art of Asking. So summary of the thing: “an artist works on crafting their art, and being on display. A performer admits they have no clue what the fuck they are doing, and mess up, but use that mess up and create something out of it.” It’s something like that, or I could be fusing Amanda Palmer’s words with my Sun and Star’s words. Which doesn’t surprise me.
Accept the fact you don’t know what the fuck you are doing, and improv with a fuck it attitude. A lot of famous people, and people in general don’t know what the fuck they are doing. They have confidence in not knowing what the fuck they are doing. which is possibly why improv is so fucking important as an actor, artist, person… human…
I clearly don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. It shows. I don’t care. “Taking the Fucking Flower”- Amanda Palmer